Dear Diary,

I want to use this space to be open and honest with myself about where I am on my journey. It hasn't always been linear and it hasn't always been easy, especially now more than ever.

When I see my future I am very clear about what that looks like for me, my dreams are achievable, my family & friend relationships are stronger than ever, I have special people in my life that I am sharing my joy with, and I have a stable partner I am building a life with.

So why has it seemed so out of reach lately…? I have recently been faced with crossroad after crossroad and apparently I have been choosing incorrectly time and time again. I am forced to believe that this is the universe's way of trying to guide me the right way, regardless of the consequences from the previous wrong turn. I believe that I am in a huge growth stage of my life. Moving on from a past toxic relationship, giving up an industry that has had a power of me for far too long, and the consequences of my lack of discipline while in this environment.

If I get really honest with myself, I have always known that these things mentioned were not serving me, so why stay? If I am being honest with you as I am with myself I guess it's quite simple: comfort, ego and fear.

Comfortability in knowing I can succeed day in and day out with little thought, and little effort. It is easier to coast than to grow, however I know now more than ever that easy never serves me.

Ego because I have mastered this chapter in my life, I am simply the best and I receive plenty of attention around it and huge monetary validity. While dealing with the repercussions of my past relationship, I have questioned my self-worth countless times. This industry or this toxic person at times were the easiest and quickest fix for that.

Fear….this is the big one. Fear of the thoughts I have been trying to overcome in this comfortable environment and then being proven they are right while trying to leave. I am not enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not capable enough. The list goes on and on. Failure of course is scary, because you have to risk something in order to truly fail. but personally, I am more afraid of my success. My success means letting go completely. Saying goodbye to this previous chapter of my life. Setting new boundaries to protect that success, and of course a lot of hard work has to be done.

I feel I am very self-aware with my self development journey, and I feel I have known this answer for quite some time, but once again I took the easier option time and time again by running from it and seeking answers outside of myself, and in this case, in a new city (not to mention half way across Canada). I believe this was my version of denial, of not allowing myself to see myself as being a failure, however, I wish I could've seen it wasn't a failure it was actually a milestone moment of completing a chapter in my life. It has served its purpose and it is now time for me to level up and apply the lesson.

I wish it was that easy though. During this previous chapter I was always in the action of being a high performer and focusing on my self development. So why wasn't i succeeding? I was consistently in the gym, I was taking on new tasks, I was networking greatly, I learned how to produce, I independently threw on a massive event which was a huge success. But none of this was giving me the satisfaction and validation I needed to let go. It was just enough to make me believe I was doing the right thing.

To be spiritual and all, I think that my “higher Becca self” jumped in and was purposefully pulling me in the wrong direction (I know, how does that make any sense), but she knew as long as I was comfortable I would remain present and stagnant. She needed to see me full on fuck it all up for me to realize that it is time to let it the fuck go. (I know what a manipulative bitch).

But I believe it to be true sometimes you really gotta fall down so you can discover a new peak …. Or whatever the saying is.

So now I am currently regaining my power, actively stopping the negative thoughts of not being enough. I am more than enough to accomplish my goals. I am the perfect person to accomplish my goals. I am disciplined. I challenge myself in new ways. I am curious about what this new chapter has to offer me. I am curious about new relationships and what they will teach me. I lead with the new better version of myself and I don't let my past mistakes affect my journey. I have learned, I have a clear vision, I am enough to move forward.

Be honest with yourselves, it may save you a lot of grief and in my case a lot of money lol.

Xoxo,

Becca Girl